BREAKING NEWS!....Wait, you already knew? Damn,

Well, Jeff Hardy got arrested.

Anyone shocked? Anyone at all? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Pain pills are highly addictive. I know because when I got my wisdom teeth taken out I got a pill bottle of, shit, I can't even remember. But I remember the dentist, before handing me the perscription, telling me only taking the meds when I feel pain...BUT only take, like, a max of 3 a day or something so something like what happened/happening to Mr. Jeff Hardy, alleg medly.

Now, I never did flippy stuff 365 days a year. I never jumped off of a turnbuckle and landed on my neck. I never landed on my head. I never broke any bones in my body. I never did what Jeff Hardy has done in his career, hell I never did the moves the Shockmaster has done in his career. So I don't know what Jeff put his body through so I'm not going to say anything about what he did...allegedly.

HOWEVER I will say this to Jeffro. Don't blame the WWE. You know full well WWE didn't shove pills down your throat. Hell, they gave you two swift kicks in the ass for the same damn thing. GET HELP! Fuck wrestling, right now. You have demons still inside you that need to be relinquished, again. Wrestling should be the least of your worries, sir. If you're not careful, you could be facing jail time. And, I'm going to steal this from Office Space, you're not going to conjugal visit Club Fed prision...oh no, you're going to Pound-Me-in-the-Ass prision if anything.

If you need proof in what I'm trying to tell Jeff, let me give you a few examples. Kurt Angle. He was just caught stalking his former girlfriend. And what was in his car? Pain pills and steroids, allegedly.

Rey Mysterio, same thing...he just failed a drug test, if I am not mistaken. Unlike Kurt Angle, he lost his title.

But guys who took the cocktail that Jeff, allegedly, took...and more. Let's see...Eddie Guerrero? He didn't get suspended...he didn't lose a title...HE LOST HIS LIFE!

Chris Benoit, the combination of concussions, steroids, and pain medication lead him, probably, to the things that he did to his wife and child.

Now, Jeff, if I were you...I would take the best offer, maybe the only offer, on the table. Get your ass in the Betty Ford clinic, maybe get into Dr. Drew's Sober House (Hey, it helped Andy Dick). Then, after you're clean...then you can focus on wrestling and then, my friend, you rebuild, rethink, and revive the career of Jeff Nero Hardy.

But get help first, please? For your fans. For your family. And, mostly, for your life.

MNW II? Highly Unlikely

Why is it unlikely? Simple. WWE is getting younger, while TNA is getting older and older and older.

With the rescent pick-ups of Brian Danielson and Nigel McGuinness, WWE has pulled slightly away from TNA. But, you think about it, ever since CM Punk left ROH to get to WWE, MANY ROH stars have followed suit

• Colt Cabana/Scotty Goldman
• Matt Sydal/Evan Bourne
• Low-Ki/Senshi/Kaval
• Danielson
• McGuinness

I know I probably left off some wrestlers, but you get the drift. Tell me, who were the latest guys TNA have picked up who made a difference like CM and Bourne?

• Bobby Lashley/Former ECW champion/(lets face it) Future TNA champion
• Dominic Dinero/ Former ECW wrestler Elijah Burke
• Jethro Holliday/ Former RAW Tag champion Trevor Murdoch
• Taz

TNA is turning into WCW...not the good MNW WCW, but the WCW who had the 3 Stooges of Wrestling, the WCW who focussed on the digruntled WWF/E wrestlers (Kevin Nash, Scott Hall in WCW; "Mr. Stalker McRoidHead" Kurt Angle and Matt Morgan in TNA...not to mention Team 3D) than they do with the young talent (Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero in WCW; Eric Young, MCMG, in TNA).

But what about ROH? They are losing out, BIG! Two GREAT legends of Ring of Honor, two GREAT wrestlers in general leaving the ROH brand for someone else. How does this keep happening? It's simple...they don't have money to keep people, heck...they don't have money to be on standard cable like WWE (USA, MyNetwork TV, and SyFy...::pronounced Siffy::) and TNA (Spike TV) let alone keep great talent like McGuinness and Danielson and others.

Either way, this is a good pickup by WWE (if they use them correctly) and a sudden blow to the fem-nuts of Dixie Carter and the entire TNA roster.

The 5 Count! GM Edition

Alright, we had 5 GMs so far...and now, it's time to rank them. It's time to rank them on their performance as GM ONLY.

5) ZZ Top - Now, I was in Delaware during this time...so I can't really tell what happened when ZZ came out. But it just seemed like ZZ Top was there just to shake hands and not get dirty. It wasn't that great.

4) Ted DiBiase - When I heard he was going to be the first GM of the week, I was giddy as a little school girl. However, besides the bitch slap from Teddy Jr....he really didn't do much of anything but laugh. Even though I do really like him and would like to see him as GM somewhere down the line so he can work more of his stuff.

3) Seth Green - The first GM of the week to get in the ring and go "toe-to-toe" with the big stars. I was kinda impressed, but not that well impressed to move him up on the list.

2) Shaq - This was really tough, I could have gone either way with this one. However, Shaq's appearance was the most watched of the five GMs. Shaq was pretty Shaqtastic to say the least.

And the number one, so far, GM of the week...

1) Jeremy Piven - If he wasn't an already well-accredited actor, I would have snatched him up as the perminent GM or a manager, he was that friggin' good.

To be honest, all five of these GMs were better than the last three general managers that the WWE had on RAW in the previous years. Mike Adamle, Stephane McMahon, and Vickie Guerrero regimes put together couldn't stand up to ZZ Top, let alone Piven.

This, in fact, was a pretty good idea put upon by the WWE staff and with Sgt. Slaughter coming next week, hopefully he won't have anything to sell like 4 out of the 5 GMs that were there were, actually doing (Shaq Versus, Robot Chicken, ZZ Top's new CD, and...of course...The Goods).

The Dying Breeds

I get like this all of the time. Every now and again people come up and tell me "You know wrestling's fake right?" or "You know it's all pre-planned" and whatnot. And I sit there shaking my head and smiling because I know it is "pre-planned" and all of that jazz but...you know something? If you told me that...a few years ago...ok, more than a few years ago...I would have laughed in your face.

I grew up in the 1990s, before AOL, before AIM, before Al Gore created the internets, which we now know are a series of tubes. Anyways, I grew up before all of that...I had no prior knowledge...I was, I guess you can say, gullible? Young? Etcetera. But that's not the point of this article.

I have to spill the beans on myself here, you take it what you will...wrestling, to me, was just as real as the air I breathed when I started yelling and cheering for what I believed was true. Grant it, I was in the era of the Undertaker, Repo Man, and Knuckleball Schwartz...I knew the Undertaker wasn't really dead....I knew the Repo Man wasn't really a garbage man...and I knew Knuckleball Schwartz was...just...weird. But I knew it was all real, I knew that there was something real about every promo, every fight, every feud. I thought it was for reals.

But, just like Santa Claus...the Easter Bunny...and the hot, hot, HOT Tooth Fairy that I imagined in my dreams, I had to be told...and being told wasn't fun. Denial, laughing, and a lot of "psh"-es. But, after a while, it all came together. I started, since now the internet was up and running for good and stumbled across the spoilers, that (more than anyone telling me it was fake) was the last straw for me...and, yes, I am now a believer that wrestling is SCRIPTED but not fake.

But the point of this post is simple, we live in a society where...not only are the stories scripted...but they are done severely poor. Back in the LATE eighties EARLY nineties, the stories were BELIEVABLE, which made me...and a few others...believe that there was something really going on between two rivals, that they really hated each other, and so on and so forth. Those were the days.

But, like I said, we are in a dying breed. Because of the poor writing staff and the poor character development, and...just like Chris Jericho said in his book...the birth and expansion of the internet, there won't be many people...if any, that will believe what I believed back in the day.

My youth rocked!

Morphing in the Ring

OK, first lets shave the beard...but leave the sideburns....pointed.
Next, give him a Def Leppard shirt....and make him a little bit chubby. Then...replace the trophy with a Ping Pong paddle....ABBRA KADABRA!

Ahmed Johnson = Zeke?

You be the judge!

Donald Trump? Wow.

Well, the "Donald Trump Era" has arrived and has already made an impact on Monday Nights making it an hour long.

Why? I don't know why...it just is. But...got me to thinking. It got me thinking of the other moves that The Don has in store for the wrestling world and Monday Nights, and if you know me I love my Top 5s with a passion. So, why not? Here's the top five moves The Don might make in the time he has as "owner" of RAW.

5. Joan Rivers taking Lillian Garcia's place as RAW's ring announcer. As you know (or maybe you don't know...or, like me, care), Mrs. Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice after beating Annie Duke (who is one hot fox, if you ask me). But, why not, as the "Celebrity Apprentice" Joan's first job...be the ring announcer for America's number one show on Monday nights (or whatever the hell they put up in the weird "Did You Know" crap).

4. Change everything to solid gold. The ring, the entrance, the ring ropes, the barricades, the scaffolding, the screen, the announce tables, Jerry's crown, everything will have gold on it. Why the hell not?

3. Have every wrestling event occur in a Trump Tower. Hell, TNA does it in one place all the time...Trump has a Trump Hotel/Plaza/Tower/Complex/Retirement Home/Beach/Planet in nearly every friggin' state, including Cuba and the Dominican Republic. So, why not?

2. RAW Apprentice. You take the people that don't matter on RAW. Your Chavoes, Nobles, and The Brian Kendrickes and have them do tasks to be The Don's right hand man and, for those who don't succeed....will, actually, be fired.

1. Force every RAW diva to be his wife for a week. Hell, Santina would be a step up from Ivanna Trump.

Elephant in the Ring #18: Life Without Jeff

After a long hiatus, I am back faster than Mr. Kennedy....oh wait, he's still on the shelf. Anyways, I am the bearer of bad news for you Jeff Hardy fans:

"- SmackDown wrestler Jeff Hardy has handed in his notice to World Wrestling Entertainment. He has three months left on his contract and is refusing to sign an extension."

Thats right, Jeff Hardy will leave the WWE for "future endevours" at the end of his contract in three months. But now what will happen to the WWE? What will happen to Jeff? And, more importantly, what will happen to Matt Hardy?

• WWE: Looking at this situation, the WWE is probably going to lose SOME fans, SOME revenue, and SOME WWEShop sales. Other than that, the WWE has talent that they can lose someone like Jeff Hardy. Jeff was only a one time WWE champion and, when that happened, he wasn't very successful IMO. Yes, Jeff was a high-flyer...but compare him to the stars now. Compare him to Evan Bourne and other high flyers in this business. Jeff Hardy doesn't stack up against them, again...in my opinion. So, the WWE isn't losing it's only high flyer (unlike the WWE is losing its tag division).

• Jeff Hardy: The easy solution...go back to TNA...is that the best solution? No. But it's the most realistic solution for Jeff Hardy to take. He could do a RVD-esque tour around the U.S. of A, Canada, Mexico, and other places. But "getting back on mainstream" is probably going to be his main goal and the only two "mainstream" shows besides the WWE is TNA and, unless you are like 80 percent of the entire wrestling-watching nation who doesn't have Direct TV's biggest package, Ring of Honor.

• Matt Hardy: I am a Matt Hardy fan. In fact, I am more of a Matt Hardy fan than I am a Jeff Hardy fan. But...I must admit, if Jeff Hardy goes Matt Hardy may be close behind. When Matt and Jeff were split...Jeff succeeded by winning the WWE championship as Matt won a watered down ECW championship. However, if Matt does stick around...WWE is going to have to make him bigger than his brother. How so? Who knows. Matt Hardy isn't a flippy-doo high-flyer like Jeff Hardy is...maybe make him an all-around ground/pound man and Matt can pull off a helluva heel character in the WWE post-Jeff. Also, bring back Matt Facts.

It's all what the WWE does in this situation. It can be a very stagnant reaction to the wrestlers...or it can be a shit storm hitting a giant fan. It will be interesting to see where the WWE, and more importantly the Hardys themselves go.

...TNA...Why waste a EITR energy on this?

I was on a message board and signed up for the message board and saw that there were guys praising Total Nonstop Action. So, I posted this comment about a post concerning the last TNA Impact show:

"What's next? Sting Bat Night? Kurt Angle Bobble-heads? Mini-guitars? Seriously, if they have to GIVE AWAY T-SHIRTS of the X-Division champ just so it looks like they have fans...that's just.....dumb. It's not their fault that Suicide isn't a big fan favorite yet.

No other show does that, nor will they...because they know that this isn't a baseball game that needs some upping with promotions. Let the FANS choose what they want. Don't force someone down the throats of "fans."

On some lighter notes:

1) (sticking with Suicide) During the match "Suicidal" chants filled the arena (which is ironic because I am sure that Vince Russo is committing federation suicide...yet he still gets federations to blow.)

2) One of the first commercials during the commercial break: "12 Rounds"

3) Scott Stiener...sloppy seconds...

4) 2-3 years and it'll be WWE's"

For this, I got criticized and ridiculed about "downing TNA" and, to be honest with you...I wasn't really downing TNA at all...in fact, I wrote a responce and I would love for you to hear about it.

"The truth is I DO like the wrestlers in TNA, they are the most dynamic and, to be honest, the only company I know that allows its wrestlers to perform at indy shows all across the world. I have no beef with the stars...

...but when Jeff Jarrett, owner of TNA, is coming out and SAYING that it's for the "young wrestlers" (Motor City Machine Guns, Samoa Joe, Black Machismo, Eric Young) but, yet, they get pushed aside to make room for Kurt Angle, Booker T, JEFF JARRETT, and...as much as it pains me to say it because they are still..atleast..relevant Team 3D, it's a pain to see that and it's not right to do that to the young wrestlers who came to TNA over WWE for the fact that they have a chance to get face time.

Plus, their gimmicks are almost as worse as WWE's. For Example:

1) Samoa Joe...is Samoa Joe. You don't have to give him a machete, a face tat, and replace his shorts with pants. Push him as "Samoa Joe" don't push him as an Umaga knock-off when 9 out of the 10 times we all know that Samoa Joe is better.

2) Suicide...He's a CHARACTER ON A VIDEO GAME! (If you don't believe me, look at some old TNA commentary and you'll hear it out of both Mike Tenay and Don West's mouths every second during the minute Suicide wound up in the ring.) Now, they are GIVING AWAY T-SHIRTS SO THAT IT'LL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE HAS FANS!? Seriously? If a gimmick is not working, don't try to fix it and give him a title...just give it up.

To have a good television program on wrestling, one must have, atleast, 2 things (and is the reason that the WWE has flouished for so long)

1) Top athletes
2) Top writing

TNA has top athletes, no denying that, but WWE has flourished because at least they have semi-believable storylines to work with. So don't glare at me or point fingers at me about me just "hating" on TNA...I want to believe that they are a legit company...they are just not showing like they care."

That's the honest truth on my "beef" with TNA. I don't have one...it's with MANAGEMENT (particularly Jeff Jarrett and Vince Russo) that is the problem with me. Comment on this if you want. Like it? Hate it? Agree? Disagree? I have said my peace...

Elephant in the Ring #17: Mickey Rourke/What does the "E" in "WWE" mean?

It was Oscar time last week and...to be honest with you...Harvey Milk FEARS Randy Robinson.

But, in the way of the World Wrestling Entertainment...this is towards Mickey Rourke...I know he's a huge Elephant in the Ring fan...he told me numerous times at the after party, even though he thought a real elephant was writing it. But that's not the point. The point is, theres a big debate on whether Mickey Rourke should wrestle Chris Jericho at WrestleMania 25.

The big question is....why?

What does Mickey Rourke have to proove besides making a fool of himself in front of the tens of thousands that will be in attendance and for the BILLIONS watching at home? Mickey, it's not worth it man! Let someone who knows the ring better do it. Let one of these legends do it. Ric Flair, Ricky Steamboat, Roddy Piper, hell....GET HULK HOGAN! Anybody but Mickey Rourke, please.

Now, I am not downing Mickey Rourke in any way. If Mickey Rourke had the build of Mr. T, then I wouldn't mind seeing him in the ring...but hes an actor...let him act...don't let him wrestle and get hurt...get legends to do it. Please, get a wrestler to fight for Mick.

Mickey, you're a great wrestler....just don't get in that ring...but, right now, you are in the ring...and you're the Elephant in that Ring.

Entertainment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvuLGoAAz-o

Enteratinment being used wrong (CLASSIC EXAMPLE):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc5N9jjukEc

Elephant in the Ring #16: Looks Aren't Everything

Now, I normally don't diss the WWE until they have done something extremely wrong and arrogant to the point to where I flip out and have to write about it, right here on Elephant in the Ring (CHEAP PLUG ON MY OWN SHOW!) but I do have a beef with the talent agency that runs the World Wrestling Entertainment. What the hell is wrong with Scotty Goldman?!

Elephants, the WWE brought up Colt Cabana/Scotty Goldman because he was entertaining and they knew he was going to go to TNA and be a semi-star (because, honestly, who watches TNA and thinks that there are some stars in the main event). WWE picked him up and, honestly, I thought it was the best move for Colt Cabana because he is what the E states. He's ENTERTAINING! He's not the best thing to look at, by all means. But you can't seriously sit there and say that Scotty is not talented. I remember listening to Tazz and JBL and King on the WWE video games "This is not a beauty pagent! This is not a beauty pagent!" but saying a guy doesn't have "TV star talent looks" shows that, to the WWE and some of it's talent, IT IS A BEAUTY PAGENT!

If you don't believe Scotty Goldman has talent, look what he's doing already. After three shows, the man has one of the best web shows on WWE Exclusive today. Is that because he's good looking? No, far from that. It's that the "dot com" universe sees the potential that Scotty Goldman holds JUST by hearing him talk. He's not going to be a Randy Orton or a John Cena or anyone like that, I know that, but Scotty Goldman is ENTERTAINING and, last time I checked, the E in WWE IS, in fact, Entertainment...but right now, the E in EITR is the WWE Talent Agency.

PUSH SCOTTY GOLDMAN! Thank you :)!

Elephant in the Ring #15: THE RUMBLE BACKLASH

I am going through EVERYTHING...ok maybe just the Hardys.

As much as I like Christian and wishes he was here right now, I think this Family Feud is just plain ol' awesome from start to end. I mean, before Matt left...he was dynamite as a heel. I remember Matt Facts and I bet EVERYONE can name their favorite Matt Fact. For me, it was "Matt had more valentines then his brother" but there were sweet ones.

Matt Hardy shined, just like Owen did when he fought Bret Hart, when being the heel against his brother. Matt Hardy has the same attributes that Owen Hart did and knows everything about his brother. He is a great heel BECAUSE HE WON as a heel, same way with Owen. The storyline was to give Matt respect between the two, just like Owen.

"Matt is the star of the Hardy Boyz book"

This is just like the Hart spift and, to be honest with you, this will be EVEN BIGGER then the Hart feud because of how the sport evolved around Jeff Hardy and how Matt Hardy just got lost in the shuffle. Bret Hart was ALREADY a huge star and ALREADY making his name known in the WWE Legends field.

"Matt is twice the man Zach Gowen is." (Zach only has one leg, get it?)

The Jeff-Matt feud, if done right, will CATAPULT Jeff, and even Matt, to where Bret Hart is. This could make either one of them one of the best wrestlers of the younger generation. Jeff Hardy, though, is not a World champion...that's the only problem. When I was a youngin' I KNEW that Bret Hart could handle that pressure of being World champ. Jeff wouldn't...really...do much to the young stars out there, I think. But many Hall of Famers are known strictly as IC champions (see Su-Su-Superfly & Mr. Perfect) and Hardy JUST MIGHT fit in that category.

"Matt is taller than Rey Mysterio"

But as of right now, the only category this family feud is the Elephant in the Ring. Oh, one more Matt Fact.

"Matt's abs are better than Rikishi's"

http://www.angelfire.com/ny2/RayNRon/mattfacts.html More Matt Facts!

Elephant in the Ring #14: Vicki Guerrero....nude.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

IT BURNS! IT BURNS! THE HIDEOUS NATURE OF THIS ACTION BURNS!

All seriousness....what the fuck, WWE? What the hell were you smoking when you decided to put Vicki Guerrero, a proud widower of a fallen WWE wrestler, through this? Why have here, allegedly, strip to her Kibbles and Bits and take pictures for the whole world to see? Do you want the entire "WWE Universe" to have their heads explode from the inside out (Scanners)?

I didn't see the old WWF (the good kind of WWF) come out and torment, torture, ridicule, and put storylines in for The Hart family after their son/brother DIED IN THE RING. Stu and Mrs. Hart weren't caught on G-TV making out, having sex, or whatever. Stu did not divorce his wife and come to Monday Night RAW to marry Dawn Marie (for everyone who doesn't know...Torrie Wilson's dad married Dawn Marie in their undies). They left him and his family the hell alone!

That's what Smackdown writers need to do. Just let her live her life. No more Edge storylines, no more wheelchair, no more neckbrace, no more "EXCUSE ME!", and no more photos. Just let Vickie be Vickie...because these storylines are making Eddie turn over in his grave so many times he threw up.

So WWE, FIX IT! Episode 14, wish it was more festiv...have a great New Year!